I should move here. The last time I was happy, I was here.
In my free time, I have spent the last few years here. A lot has changed. I am tired.
The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.
I have been travelling–trying to find myself after losing everything. My life has taken a different path than I thought it would. I am not dead yet; that is unexpected–lord knows I have been trying. I have pushed anyone who wished to help me away. I miss everyone.
This was the last photo you took. I spend hours every week staring at this one and others. I miss you so much. You’re still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before falling asleep. I have gotten angry that you’re gone. I have thought about joining you many times. I almost tried once. I’m not happy you’re gone. It has taken till recently to fully accept your passing. I will always love you. I have felt guilty about opening myself up to others. It has been really hard to do. I keep thinking I should be with you, that I should be experiencing finishing our home with you, that I should be spending my nights with you. I do feel really guilty about all of it. I know you would not want me to feel guilty nor would you allow me to feel guilty. Most days it is getting easier. This photo is how I remember you. This is how I want to remember all of everything that happened here. I am moving on. I know that is what you are nudging me to do. I am selling our home, and moving back home. I keep this photo in my wallet and I will frame it and put it up in my new home. I love you Lily.